After my recent break-up I decided that I needed a good night out, so my friends and I planned a big Saturday night out. We started off at a house party before hitting the bars and clubs. I had an amazing time, it was so good to let my hair down, have a few drinks and dance like a nutter to some decent beats.
My single friends starting mingling, flirting and some even took guys home. It was only fairly late on that night, as I walked home through the snow, that I considered that maybe I was missing out here. I’ve not been single for a great deal of my adult life – tending to go from one relationship to another, and whilst I can flirt it up a storm online, being that cheeky in person doesn’t come easily to me – not with new people at least.
That’s two things I need to overcome:
- Remember that I’m single and allowed to flirt with guys in bars.
- Stop being so shy and allow myself to open up to new people in these situations.
Should I add those to my New Year’s Resolutions?
If only the trouble stopped there though. Being HIV positive adds yet another hurdle to overcome. At what point do I tell people, if at all? If I tell people right away up front I risk turning them off for what might only be a bit of dancing and making out. But if I don’t tell them until we get to the point of sex I risk being rejected when I’m at my most vulnerable.
Perhaps I should have a name badge made up, “Hi, My name is Sam and I’m HIV+” then people who are worried by my status can just avoid me? But then again I’m not sure even I’d approach someone who felt it was necessary to advertise their status on their shirt. All I really want is to be like my friends, who can go out on a Saturday, pull a cute guy, kiss his face off and go home with him. When I see a cute guy smiling at me across a bar all I do is panic, panic that once he finds out he’ll run a mile. I guess I could always just become a nun, but I’m allergic to wool…