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Two blog posts in one week? I know, I’m spoiling you, but read on…

Possibly the single biggest issue for me about being HIV+ isn’t my health, the medication etc, it’s actually the rejection that you can face when you tell someone your status.

One of the first people I ever disclosed my status to was a holiday romance. We’d been hanging out for a couple of days, drinking, swimming, holding hands etc, all very romantic. One afternoon I got a text asking me to spend the night with him at his hotel, I thought it only fair that I tell him my (fairly recently found) HIV status. That was one of the most difficult texts I ever had to send not just from my nervous clammy hands or the heart beating in my mouth.

He replied shortly saying that he was “OK with it”, but at the same time said that we’d have to postpone the night at the hotel because of plans with his friends. That was the last time we ever had a proper conversation. I tried chatting to him a couple of times after that, mostly he just ignored my calls/texts – the final time he answered but pretended to be someone else. I’d been well and truly rejected. Gutted.

Since that day I’ve had a policy of telling people I plan to sleep with/date as soon as possible. If someone messages me on Gaydar/Grindr asking for a fuck I have no problem saying right up front “By the way, I’m HIV+. I hope that’s not an issue?”. But as I found out last night it’s still pretty nerve-wracking telling someone you have feelings for.

Last night I agreed to go on a date with someone I’ve been talking to for a while. He’s very handsome, totally buff and a bit shorter than me. Amazing. Then it dawned on me that I was going to have to tell him. I decided to do it then and there, seeing as we were already chatting.

I said “In the spirit of openness and honesty I need to share something with you. Plus it saves us both heartache if it’s something you feel you can’t handle. Please be honest with me either way. I’m HIV positive”. Cue a ridiculously long wait. Why wasn’t he replying? Was it too much? Fuck, fuckity fuck.

He *eventually* replied “Hey, don’t stress about it. My ex had it, and we were together five years”. Overjoyed. He was absolutely fine with it and thanked me for being so honest. We’ve even planned our date for this Monday night coming.

Disclosing your status isn’t an easy thing to do, no matter how readily we might do it. All that we ask is that the people we tell are honest with us. If you’re uncomfortable being with someone that’s HIV+ then tell us (nicely!), we’d much rather that than being lied to – then ignored.

 

Yours Hopefully,

Sam
UKPositiveLad

3 COMMENTS

  1. I really enjoy reading your blog and I’m so pleased it went well for you, nice positive post before the weekend, and with the last of the sun on us today it couldn’t be more welcome 😀

  2. I was diagnosed at 49 years of age, rejection is rejection but it has to be harder for younger people. Like you, I don’t like to waste a persons time so if it comes to an actual face to face meeting, I disclose so they have that option before showing up. One of the messages I try to deliver when I speak about my status is, the younger you are when you get HIV means you will have to disclose it longer because you live with it now.

    I am starting my 10 year positive, I’m still alone, it isn’t easy and as I get older it gets harder to meet someone. But my life is full, I have family, friends and advocacy, I’m happy, but a little lonely.

  3. I’ve been positive for 13 years, since the age of 20. I know how you felt. I have felt it many times. I wish there was an answer for how to deal with pricks, but there really isn’t. I just avoid them now.
    It’s not so bad really. Positive guys are just as bad with rejection as negative guys. I was once told by a complete stranger that I was sitting across the table from at an HIV retreat “nice face, pity about the body”. I’m not sure if he was trying to insult me or give me a complement.

    To this day, that rejection hurt the most. I’ve come to expect rejection from negative guys. That’s why I’m completely out to everyone, even online about my status. What I never expected though was to be insulted and rejected by positive guys. That one truly hurts. But I’m relatively happy, even if sex has become a once in a 2 year (or more) thing.

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