When I started this blog I always said that it’d be used to record the ups and the downs of my life with HIV, recently it’s mostly been down.
It’s almost a year now since I was diagnosed as HIV+, August 2011 in fact, and after the initial shock and crap I endured with relationships etc things floated back up to a happy median.
Lately however things seem to be dragging me back down again though. It’s no one thing, but instead lots of things all coming together that have made me feel like this. I’m becoming increasingly ever unhappy in my current job – it’s only part time, it doesn’t pay very well and I find it boring beyond words. My social life seems to have collapsed like a soufflé in a cupboard and I’m painfully fed up being single.
I’m supposed to be moving house in the not too distant future, my own place in the city centre, away from my parents. On paper it seems like a great idea doesn’t it? But I’m finding myself questioning how wise a move it is when I can barely afford it and there’ll be no social benefit. Then again I can’t carry on living back at my parents can I? I’ve been there over a year and we’re at each others’ throats the whole time.
On top of all this I’m currently hating the fact that I’m HIV positive. I’ve been knocked back a couple of times because of it lately, and last night someone I barely know told me that they knew my HIV status because they’d heard it from someone else. Tomorrow I’ve got an appointment at the HIV clinic to go have bloods taken and a medication review, I can’t think of anything worse – I just want to bury my head in the sand (well, mud at the moment) and forget all about it.
But I know I can’t. Whether I like it or not I am HIV positive. For the rest of my life I’m going to have to deal with: regular visits to the hospital to have 8 vials of blood taken, rejection and being the subject of gossip. I find myself crying each night before I sleep. I really wish I could just take a break from it, even for a few months but that’s not going to happen.
There’s not a lot I can do about it, I guess I just need to man up and deal with everything. Make some changes. Maybe look at moving back to London. Who knows.
Thank you for reading, I hope it hasn’t been too depressing for you.
Over and out.