As a single man I dread those four little words. They seem to be the standard prefix to the word “but” followed by a reason they can’t/don’t want to date you. I can’t even begin to remember all the various versions I’ve heard. Here are just a few:

  • You’re a lovely guy BUT you’re not my type
  • You’re a lovely guy BUT we’re in different places
  • You’re a lovely guy BUT you live too far away
  • You’re a lovely guy BUT I already have a boyfriend
  • You’re a lovely guy BUT I’m not looking for anything right now
    …and of course…
  • You’re a lovely guy BUT you’re HIV+

After a while you start to wonder whether people even mean it when they say “You’re a lovely guy”, or is it just a conversational reflex? A way of trying to cushion the rapidly approaching bad news or perhaps make themselves feel better about the information they’re about to impart? I even found myself about to say it last night – I caught myself just in time but hated myself a little for almost saying it.

It never ceases to amaze me the number of rude/obnoxious/unpleasant guys who’re in relationships (or at the very least getting laid) whilst the more genuine and personable amongst us are left on the scrapheap. Perhaps I’m doing something wrong? Perhaps I should be less “lovely”? Truth be told  I’m not sure I can change this far on in life – I’m stuck in lovely mode. Lovely but lonely.

*shakes fist*



  1. Distance is the biggest excuse out of the lot of them. 2 of my longest relationships originally lived in Staffordshire and Linconshire respectively, when I’m in Manchester. Gay guys these days don’t seem to want to settle down till their in their 30’s which I find weird.

    Spent many a long and lonely night on various gay sites looking for Mr Right, half the people I spoke to turned out to be bug chasers (obviously in need of psychological help), the other half of guys, the HIV itself was an issue (Although I had a 5 and a half year serodiscordant relationship my ex from Staffordshire)

    I’ve also been in the position of guys wanting me to be a “second string to their bow”, I think not somehow!

    Mr Right is out there somewhere, but often the harder you look the more elusive he is to find unfortunately.

  2. That sounds familiar, I’ve heard so many times that I’m a nice a guy but… It’s such a common excuse for some guys let someone down gently, or so they think. Luckily, I’ve also found other nice guys to have fun with or to have a relationship with. So don’t worry, you will find someone and probably sooner than later!

  3. Really interesting point/question this: “It never ceases to amaze me the number of rude/obnoxious/unpleasant guys who’re in relationships (or at the very least getting laid)” and I have an entirely-unscientific theory as to why it is! Bear with me…

    So, on dating sites/apps (predominantly Grindr) I would say the majority of guys think it’s OK to make very prescriptive demands before they’ll even talk to someone. We’ve all seen them – ‘no blacks/Asians’, ‘no fat’, ‘masculine only’, ‘clean & DDF’ (which you’ve brilliantly posted about before), ‘no old’…

    They might think they’re just saving everyone’s time by doing this, but they’re not – they’re being DICKS. Closed-minded, prejudiced, shallow, self-obsessed dicks. And who are the only people who’d dare to reply to people like them? Other closed-minded, prejudiced, shallow, self-obsessed dicks. As every good boy with GCSE science knows, like attracts like, so rude, obnoxious unpleasant guys attract other rude, obnoxious unpleasant guys. You know what? They’re welcome to each other.

    Tom, as you know, but I’ll say here publicly, I think you are absolutely lovely, although as you also know I am guilty of bullet point 4 in this post 🙂 DON’T go changing. If you haven’t found Mr (W)Right yet it’s because very few men are special enough to deserve someone like you, so of course he’ll take longer to find. but find him you will, and to hell with all the rest.

    Lots of love,

    Hugh x

  4. You’re a lovely guy but you don’t give people a chance to get close to you. There are so many masks, and as people get past those you push them away.

    When we first spoke, you gave the strong impression that there was a lot of potential; that progressed to the impression you couldn’t be more bored (the point where I should have stepped away), and eventually that I was worse that something you’d trodden in. Had I done anything other than try to engage you on a deeper level, there may have been a good reason for that change. But, through watching some of your interactions over the year, I see that you’ve done this a few times to people who make a strong connection.

    I can only conclude that you’re persecuting yourself. You’re worth more than that; I know you don’t really believe. You are whole. You don’t need a partner to complete you, or a cause to fulfill you; they’re nice to have, but they will only distract you from the task at hand, namely learning to love yourself for who you are.

    Take some time to work out who you are. Get on a train and meet people for a coffee, not to achieve anything other than meeting a new face and hearing a new voice. Forgive those you perceive have wronged you, tell them you’ve forgiven them, but don’t let yourself be drawn into reasons and recriminations. Don’t think for a minute that you’re any more or less important than anyone else; you’re Just Tom and that’s all you could ever wish to be.

    With affection x


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